app.js

(function () {
	//This is where we get all the freshly baked loading messages
	(function randomload() {
		var loadtext = [
			'Influencing Weather...',
			'Spinning up Weather Generator...',
			"Fuck it,\nWe'll do it live",
			'Bitch-Slapping Weather...',
			'Sending a Weather Balloon..',
			'Fucking with Weather...',
			'Sacrificing a goat...',
		];
		$('#loading').html(
			loadtext[Math.floor(Math.random() * loadtext.length)]
		);
		//A sprkinle of user friendliness and animations
		setTimeout(function () {
			if (!loaded) {
				var zapsvg =
					'<svg xmlns="width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="currentColor" stroke-width="2" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" class="feather feather-zap-off"><polyline points="12.41 6.75 13 2 10.57 4.92"></polyline><polyline points="18.57 12.91 21 10 15.66 10"></polyline><polyline points="8 8 3 14 12 14 11 22 16 16"></polyline><line x1="1" y1="1" x2="23" y2="23"></line></svg>';
				$('#loading').html(
					$('#loading').html() +
						(navigator.geolocation
							? '\n<span id=loadlong>\n\n' +
							  zapsvg +
							  ' You might wanna refresh the page or check if location services are working</span>'
							: '\n<span id=loadlong>\n' +
							  zapsvg +
							  ' Geolocation is not supported on your browser\nNetscape, is that you??</span>')
				);
				$('#loading').fadeOut(100);
				//The things I do for smooth animation
				setTimeout(function () {
					$('#loadlong').fadeIn();
					$('#loading').fadeIn();
				}, 150);
			}
		}, 10000);
		//This hides the #some id, as the code says, I really don't know why I wrote this comment, so now if you're still reading this, you're wasting your time.......... really
		$('#some').hide(0);
	})();
	//Global Variables
	var ctemp;
	var cdt;
	var cphrase;
	var loaded = false;
	//Weather Function
	function weather() {
		//Some basic stuff
		var location = document.getElementById('location');
		var url = 'https://athw.vercel.app/api/weather';
		navigator.geolocation.getCurrentPosition(success, error);
		//for geolocation succ
		function success(position) {
			latitude = position.coords.latitude;
			longitude = position.coords.longitude;
			currenticon = '';
			//request for the json for weather
			$.getJSON(
				url + '?latitude=' + latitude + '&longitude=' + longitude,
				function (forecast) {
					loaded = true;
					currenticon = forecast.currently.icon;
					ctemp = Math.round(forecast.currently.apparentTemperature);
					cdt = (function (currenticon) {
						if (
							currenticon === 'partly-cloudy-day' ||
							currenticon === 'partly-cloudy-night'
						) {
							return 'cloudy';
						} else if (
							currenticon === 'clear-day' ||
							currenticon === 'clear-night'
						) {
							return 'clear';
						} else {
							return currenticon;
						}
					})(currenticon);
					console.log(forecast.currently.icon);
					console.log(cdt);
					//hide loading
					$('#loading').fadeOut(200);
					//Construsct the phrase via the parser
					cphrase = phrasemaker(parser(cdt, ctemp));
					$('#some').html(cphrase.title);
					//set the color for the highlight
					$('#with-anim').css({
						'background-image': cphrase.effcolor,
					});
					setTimeout(function () {
						$('#some').fadeIn(600);
					}, 300);
				}
			);
		}
		function error() {
			$('#loading').html = 'Unable to retrieve your location';
		}
	}
	//Parser starts here
	function parser(con, temp) {
		//list of available phrases
		phrases = [
			{
				highlight: 'love is',
				title: 'Fucking\nlove is\nin the air.',
				subline: 'Take off your shirt and get wet.',
				min: 25,
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#FF0060'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'asshole',
				title: 'Okay,\nwhich asshole\nprayed\nfor rain.',
				subline: 'Fucking rain dancers.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Well,\nthis fucking\nsucks.',
				subline: "I'm so fed-up with you karen.",
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'god',
				title: "Where's your \ngod now?",
				subline: 'Oh wait\nwrong app......',
				condition: 'gg',
				color: ['#f8ffae', '#43c6ac'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'blame',
				title: 'I blame you\n for this bad weather',
				subline: 'Yeah, you karen.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'rain',
				title: 'Why did\nI make\nit rain?',
				subline: "Because fuck you, that's why",
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nraining.",
				subline: 'You can look outside to get more information.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\ncloudy.",
				subline: 'You can look outside to get more information.',
				condition: 'cloudy',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fridge.',
				title: 'Freezing\ncold like\na fucking\nfridge.',
				subline: 'You can look outside to get more information.',
				max: 4,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nnice.",
				subline: 'Take off your shirt but keep on your panties.',
				min: 20,
				max: 30,
				color: ['#FF0060'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Holy\nfucking\nsnow.',
				subline:
					'Still not ready for building that fucking snow castle.',
				condition: 'snow',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				color: ['#007EFF'],
				condition: 'clear',
				min: 5,
				title: "It's\nfucking\nalright\ntoday.",
				subline: 'Not amazeballs but also not fucking shitty.',
				highlight: 'fucking',
				max: 15,
			},
			{
				highlight: 'freezing',
				title: 'Are you\nfreezing\nfucking\nserious?',
				subline: "You can't look outside because of fucking snow.",
				max: 3,
				condition: 'snow',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'oven.',
				title: "It's like\na fucking\noven.",
				subline: 'Just get naked, now - And get some ice cream.',
				min: 30,
				color: ['#FFC600'],
			},
			{
				color: ['#9F9F9F'],
				condition: 'cloudy',
				min: 5,
				title: "It's just\nfucking\ngrey.",
				subline: 'Just clouds & no love, but computer games.',
				highlight: 'grey.',
				max: 16,
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "Can't see\nbecause\nfucking\nsnow.",
				subline: 'Try looking outside for more information, try it...',
				condition: 'snow',
				color: ['#FFFFFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "Can't see\nbecause\nfucking\nsnow.",
				subline: 'Try looking outside for more information, try it...',
				condition: 'sleet',
				color: ['#FFFFFF'],
			},
			{
				color: ['#FF0060'],
				condition: 'clear',
				min: 20,
				title: 'Fucking\nAmaze\nBalls.',
				subline: 'So fucking nice outside, holy schmoly.',
				highlight: 'Amaze',
				max: 35,
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "I'm\nfucking\nmelting.",
				subline: 'Take off your shirt and get wet.',
				min: 23,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's so\nfucking\nhot.",
				subline: "I wouldn't go outside for more information.",
				min: 25,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\ncar wash\ntime.",
				subline: "Exactly! It's going to be hot as shit.",
				min: 24,
				color: ['#FF0F66'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "Let's get\nfucking\nnaked.",
				subline: "You heard it, it's going to be hot!",
				min: 24,
				color: ['#FF0F66'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Global\nfucking\nwarming.',
				subline: "Yeah, let's blame Global Warming.",
				min: 30,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\ntropical.",
				subline: 'Ice Cream is my final answer.',
				min: 35,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'damn',
				title: "It's too\ndamn\nhot.",
				subline: 'Ice Cream is my final answer.',
				min: 33,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'you are',
				title: 'I think\nyou are\nfucking\nhot.',
				subline: 'Just kidding, but the fucking weather is.',
				min: 25,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'hot.',
				title: "Drop it\nlike it's\nhot.",
				subline: "*Don't drop your fucking iPhone though, seriously.",
				min: 35,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'BBQ',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nBBQ\ntime.",
				subline:
					'Vegetarians and Meat fans unite! BBQ is for all of us.',
				min: 24,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'umbrella.',
				title: 'Get your\nfucking\numbrella.',
				subline: 'Shitloads of rain is awaiting you.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'shades',
				title: 'Fucking\nfifty\nshades\nof grey.',
				subline: 'Fucking grey clouds everywhere.',
				condition: 'cloudy',
				color: ['#9F9F9F'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'thunder',
				title: 'Fucking\nthunder\nstorm.',
				subline: "It's time to sing the Fuck you Thunder song.",
				condition: 'wind',
				color: ['#9F9F9F'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'Cloudy',
				title: 'Cloudy\nwith a\nchance\nof....',
				subline: 'You thought I would say meatballs right? Stupid.',
				condition: 'cloudy',
				color: ['#007EFF'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\ngetting\nfucking\ndark.",
				subline: 'The storm is coming - May the Force be with you.',
				condition: 'wind',
				color: ['#9F9F9F'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'stoopid.',
				title: "So hot\nmakin'\nme\nstoopid.",
				subline: 'I heard that Ryan Gosling said this.',
				min: 34,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'stupid',
				title: "It's\nstupid\nhot.",
				subline: 'Even fucking Siri has no answer for you today.',
				min: 25,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'whiskey',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nwhiskey\ntime.",
				subline: "This will warm you up. It's freezing!",
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'skiing',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nskiing\ntime.",
				subline: 'Snow every where, yay!',
				condition: 'snow',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'monkey',
				title: 'Cold ass\nmonkey\npants.',
				subline: 'Yeah, exactly.',
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'cold',
				title: 'Hey girl\nare you\ncold?',
				subline: "That's because it's freezing outside. Go & look.",
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'Hello?',
				title: 'Hello?\nyes, this\nis snow-\nman.',
				subline: "It's time to build me. Look outside fancy pants.",
				condition: 'snow',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Frozen\nfucking\nweather.',
				subline: "It's fucking freezing right now, look outside.",
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Negative\nfucking\nzero.',
				subline: "It's fucking freezing right now, look outside!",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Below\nfucking\nzero.',
				subline: "It's fucking freezing right now, look outside!",
				max: -1,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Cold as\nfucking\nshit.',
				subline: 'You heard it, unpack your space heater!',
				max: 4,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\ngetting\nfucking\nchilly.",
				subline: 'You heard it, unpack your space heater!',
				min: 5,
				max: 10,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Frozen\nfucking\nfingers.',
				subline: "Can't feel my fingers any more.",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Frost\nfucking\nbite.',
				subline: "Can't feel my fingers any more.",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'As cold\nas a\nfucking\npenguin.',
				subline: 'I have to admit, that sounds kinda cute.',
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'North\nfucking\npole.',
				subline: 'Nothing against the north pole, but seriously!',
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'your shit.',
				title: 'Icebergs\nall over\nyour shit.',
				subline: 'Time to get cozy and watch Titanic again!',
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'ice age.',
				title: 'Fucking\nice age.',
				subline: 'The movie was great, the weather is not.',
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\narctic.",
				subline: "Can't feel my fucking fingers any more.",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Glacial\nfucking\nice.',
				subline: "Can't feel my fucking fingers any more.",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Numb\nfucking\nfingers.',
				subline: "Can't feel my fucking fingers any more.",
				max: 3,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Hypo\nfucking\nthermic.',
				subline: 'A friend of mine called Tim said that. Smartypants.',
				max: -3,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'nipples',
				title: 'Am I\nallowed\nto say\nnipples?',
				subline: "Because it's freezing! You get the point.",
				max: 5,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: 'Brezzy\nfucking\nbreezy.',
				subline: "It's getting cold outside!",
				max: 6,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nfoggy.",
				subline: "It's getting cold outside!",
				condition: 'fog',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nwindy.",
				subline: "It's getting cold outside!",
				condition: 'wind',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'shitty',
				title: 'Totally\nnot\nshitty.',
				subline: 'Look outside for more information.',
				min: 10,
				condition: 'cloudy',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "It's\nfucking\nokay.",
				subline: 'Look outside for more information.',
				min: 9,
				max: 20,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'ducking',
				title: "It's\nducking\nfreezing.",
				subline: 'Oh damnit you fucking autocorrect.',
				max: 3,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'nippy!',
				title: "It's a\nwee bit \nnippy!",
				subline: 'This is for you my Scottish friends.',
				min: -3,
				max: 6,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'frosty',
				title: "It's\nfrosty\nas fuck.",
				subline: 'This is for you my Scottish friends.',
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'It rains',
				title: 'It rains\ncats and\ndogs.',
				subline: 'You better get an umbrella my friend.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'for chest',
				title: 'Prepare\nfor chest\nhair.',
				subline: "It's fucking freezing, boys & girls!",
				max: 0,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'freeze.',
				title: 'Fucking\nbrain\nfreeze.',
				subline: 'Fuck Yeah Ice Cream!',
				min: 20,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'glasses.',
				title: 'Sun\nfucking\nglasses.',
				subline: 'Time to put on my coolest shades.',
				min: 15,
				condition: 'clear',
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fried.',
				title: "Let's get\nfucking\nfried.",
				subline: 'Take off your shirt but keep on the panties.',
				min: 20,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'fucking',
				title: "I'm on a\nfucking\nboat.",
				subline: "It's hot! Take off your shirt, keep on your pants.",
				min: 20,
				color: ['#FF0000'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'in bed.',
				title: 'Meh...\nJust stay\nin bed.',
				subline: 'You can browse Tumblr & play Angrybirds.',
				condition: 'rain',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'in bed.',
				title: 'Meh...\nJust stay\nin bed.',
				subline: 'You can browse Tumblr & play Angrybirds.',
				condition: 'sleet',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'in bed.',
				title: 'Meh...\nJust stay\nin bed.',
				subline: 'You can browse Tumblr & play Angrybirds.',
				min: 10,
				condition: 'cloudy',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'in bed.',
				title: 'Meh...\nJust stay\nin bed.',
				subline: 'You can browse Tumblr & play Angrybirds.',
				min: 15,
				condition: 'fog',
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'beard.',
				title: 'Grow a\nfucking\nbeard.',
				subline: "It's freezing outside, you will need it.",
				max: 4,
				color: ['#004A96'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'amazing',
				title: 'You look\namazing\ntoday.',
				subline: 'And so is the weather. You just need to believe it.',
				min: 15,
				max: 20,
				color: ['#FF0F66'],
			},
			{
				highlight: 'amazing',
				title: 'You look\namazing\ntoday.',
				subline: 'And so is the weather.',
				min: 15,
				condition: 'clear',
				color: ['#FF0F66'],
			},
			{
				color: ['#FE730F'],
				condition: 'cloudy',
				min: 3,
				title: 'It’s like\na meh…\nkinda\nday.',
				subline: 'But you can change it with a smile :) Or drugs.',
				highlight: 'kinda',
				max: 9,
			},
		];
		function getPhrase(condition, temp) {
			let possiblePhrase = [];
			phrases.forEach((v, k) => {
				if (v.condition == condition) {
					if (v.condition == condition) {
						if (v.min) {
							if (temp >= v.min) {
								if (v.max) {
									if (temp <= v.max) {
										possiblePhrase.push(k);
									}
								} else {
									possiblePhrase.push(k);
								}
							}
						} else if (v.max) {
							if (temp <= v.max) {
								possiblePhrase.push(k);
							}
						} else {
							possiblePhrase.push(k);
						}
					}
				} else {
					if (condition == 'cloudy')
						if (v.min) {
							if (temp >= v.min) {
								if (v.max) {
									if (temp <= v.max) {
										possiblePhrase.push(k);
									}
								} else {
									possiblePhrase.push(k);
								}
							}
						} else if (v.max) {
							if (temp <= v.max) {
								possiblePhrase.push(k);
							}
						}
				}
			});
			const random = Math.floor(
				Math.random() * (possiblePhrase.length - 1)
			);
			const yourPhrase = phrases[possiblePhrase[random]];
			return yourPhrase;
		}
		return getPhrase(con, temp);
	}

	weather();
	//Phrasemaker 2000-inator
	function phrasemaker(ph) {
		var processed = {
			title: '',
			effcolor: '',
		};
		console.log(ph);
		var highlighted = '<span id=with-anim>' + ph.highlight + '</span>';
		processed.title = ph.title.replace(ph.highlight, highlighted);
		processed.title += '\n<span id=subtext>\n' + ph.subline + '</span>';
		processed.effcolor =
			'linear-gradient(45deg, #dadadada 20%, ' +
			ph.color[0] +
			' 40%, ' +
			(ph.color[1] ? ph.color[1] : ph.color[0]) +
			' 60%, #dadadada 80%)';
		return processed;
	}
})();